I haven't been this sober since birth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He passed out mid-signature
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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