you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
