wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
honey bunches of taint.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
