if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
