So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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