hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
