How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
