I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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