How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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