Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
