i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
