Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Someone shit on the floor
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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