Someone shit on the floor
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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