Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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