whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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