It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
