I accidentally burped into my bong.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
