My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That's when you crack a 10am beer
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
