I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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