My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
