Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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