Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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