the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
