Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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