the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
