Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
