i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
