And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
