The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
