Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
