His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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