I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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