We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
