remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Houston, we have a blender
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
