I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
