I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
