o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
