all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
