I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
