Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
