so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will pee on everything he values.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
