She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
