we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment