Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30