Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
