I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
