Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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