my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
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Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.