I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
