you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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