i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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