I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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