Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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