So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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