I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
