Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
